When most Americans are subject to an average of 3000 brushes with advertising per day it’s no wonder companies are trying alternative and ethically questionable marketing strategies. In what is one ballsy and sneaky move, Captain Morgan attempted to launch a guerrilla marketing campaign in football stadiums across the country. As seen to the left, players were quietly approached and asked to do the trademark Captain Morgan pose in exchange for a donation of $10,000 to the Gridiron Greats Assistance Fund–an organization that caters to the various needs of retired football players. And when you consider that the average life span of NFL players is 55, it comes as a surprise that the NFL would squash the marketing campaign shortly after Brent Celek (a Philadelphia Eagles’ tight end) raised his knee in front of the Sunday Night Football cameras.
The NFL has banned the pose as a preemptive strike against any other players attempting to prepare for their retirement. During the playoffs, Captain Morgan was willing to pay $25,000 per instance ($100,000 in the Super Bowl), but it only took one play and pose for the NFL to shut down Captain Morgan. Fines for doing the pose will likely be high, given the fact that Brian Urlacher was fined $100,000 for wearing a Vitamin Water hat during a pre-Super Bowl media day.
Maybe the NFL will try and pass off the situation as the morally correct decision, justifying it with the logic that repeated instances would subconsciously drive child fans to consume fatal amounts of Captain Morgan. However, if they take that route then they have to somehow convince the public that all the Budweiser advertisements, which have been a part of Sundays for decades, do not subtly encourage kids to drink. But they probably will just handle this situation as quietly as possible, like all effective and working socialist institutions tend to do. The NFL either wants a cut or they are insulted that Captain Morgan went behind their backs and straight to the players. Either way, the Captain is a sly son-of-a-bitch. Personally, I never liked the guy–it’s because of him that I slept in a driveway after evacuating the contents of my stomach (multiple times). Serves him right, but you gotta give credit where credit is due, and this may have failed, but it was a solid idea that was going towards a worthwhile cause.
There is honestly nothing better as a Dolphins’ fan than watching the Jets get beat by Miami twice in one season. For a dark period of time, it was the other way around. The Jets would win, and being from New Jersey, all my Jets’ fan friends would run their mouths, somehow tying the Dolphins defeat into sexual references about my mother. But now, it’s the Dolphins who have slapped the Jets in the mouth like my balls across Steve’s mom’s face.
Obviously, the most impressive part of this game was Ted Ginn Jr. Criticized since he was drafted, as a result of struggling to find his place, Ginn finally showed why the hell Cam Cameron was so hot on the speedster. Face it, Dolphin fans, Ginn is no Larry Fitzgerald. However, what he brings is an incredible vision and agility that is combined with ridiculous speed. And I’m glad Sparano and company finally realized he’s not a #1 receiver. In fact, Miami would be hard-pressed to find themselves in possession of a number one. While they have a talented batch of receivers, they do not have a player like Randy Moss, who when double-covered can still make defenses sore–like Steve’s mom after a long weekend.
So, it pleases me that the Dolphins’ coaching staff is continuing to realize diversity and playing to each player’s strengths is how they will win–you know, don’t try and force a cat to be a dog. I think we’ll see more big play reverses and bubble screens from Ginn on offense while the rest of the offensive specialty players do what they’ve been relatively good at doing, which is draining clock yard-by-yard. And if defenses key in on the zone between the line of scrimmage and the first down marker then fake a quick screen to one side and send Ginn deep down the opposite sideline. Again, Miami’s struggles are not the result of a lack of talent or coaching. It’s the result of a difficult schedule and spurts of absentmindedness.
Fortunately, they kept their heads and managed to hold off the Jets to remain undefeated in the AFC East. Granted, they’re still ranked 3rd in the division, but a win against the Patriots next week will be a much needed boost–especially if Miami wants to repeat as division champs. Hopefully, I swipe 20 bucks from my roommate this upcoming Sunday when his beloved Patriots face a Dolphins’ defense that is starting to look like it did when Zach Thomas wasn’t damaged goods thanks to concussions, or when Patrick Surtain and Sam Madison were interception machines, or when Jason Taylor made Tom Brady’s life a living hell. And I lied earlier: There’s nothing better than Miami beating the Patriots in New England as a result of heavy and constant pressure on Tom Brady. Ok, I lied again. There’s nothing better than the day I get to shave this goddamn mustache, but it’s baby steps for now.
Poll Question (post your answers as comments):
Should Chad Pennington stay on as a coach rather than player next season?
After a comeback victory against the Jets, a Week 6 Bye, and 2 weeks to prep for what should’ve been a statement game, the Miami Dolphins have regressed to 2-4, sitting comfortably (under the fucking Bills) at the bottom of the AFC East. Why does this happen Miami? Why are you so good at creating the illusion of victory? You had the Saints against the wall early in the game when you were up 24-3. The secondary was making Drew Brees look like JaMarcus Russell, and yet the Saints still managed to pull out a win.
This could’ve been the game where you guys made up for your early season shortcomings–and while it seemed like that was exactly what was happening–the Saints did what good teams typically do: they keep their cool and they win. It’s hard to really pinpoint the Dolphins’ greatest weakness because each game it seems to change. Early in the season it was the secondary losing games while the offense was a time-swallowing machine–which surprisingly didn’t lead to many points. Today, the rush defense, which started the season strong, didn’t hold up as it has before and allowed the game-changing Reggie Bush touchdown run.
But the most surprising factor in the loss was Miami’s pass blocking. The Dolphins have, thanks largely to Bill Parcells and Tony Sparano, revamped the o-line from an embarrassing group in 2007 to an aggressive and effective one. However, against the Saints, Henne appeared to be under constant pressure every time he dropped back. And while he made some nice throws while being hit, it was the interception by Tracy Porter that went for a touchdown, which was the result of a shoddy blocking that forced a bad throw by the inexperienced young quarterback. Henne has shown promise, but he panicked in that situation and it crushed any hopes of another dramatic comeback win.
Ricky Williams looked like his old self, which is nice, but if Miami has any hopes of making the playoffs and giving me some sort of far-off chance to shave, they need to go on a 10 game winning spree. The secondary has definitely stepped up, and Sean Smith is living up to much of the hype, but the loss of Will Allen with an ACL injury will certainly be felt. Nevertheless, this loss was a painful one to deal with. The upside is that I bet the over (48). The downside is that I made the classic mistake of using vengeance rather than logic by betting against the Cowboys; I did so because Jerry Jones and his cock-gobbling of Fox executives is why I had to watch the Dolphins’ game on a pixelated and choppy stream online. All-in-all today was an overall fail. Hooray! For beer.
Talk about coming through when necessary. Not only does the win against the Jets keep Miami’s future solely in their hands, but it leaves them 2-0 in the AFC East, which is looking like a division that won’t be decided until Week 17. Chad Henne and his performance on Monday was somewhat unexpected, but more than welcomed. Ronnie Brown is still awesome, and Ricky Williams showed that, even though he took a few years off over his love of the ganj, he can still play football. Continue Reading
Miami, you did good. Sure, it was a division game, and those are typically a toss-up regardless of how bad or good one team is, but that was just the kind of victory that leads to winning streaks. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. While the secondary stepped up in a huge way, there is still a lot of football left. Nevertheless, that kind of win restored my hope and I’m, temporarily, content with the stache on my face. Continue Reading
What the hell was that, Miami? You have the talent and the coaching, but yet you somehow manage to start off the season on a very sour note. When both safeties lead the team in tackles there’s a problem. But the real problem wasn’t the Falcons’ porno-deep penetration into the secondary. No, it was the Goddamn turnovers. The same thing that burned you guys in the playoffs last year was the same thing that led to an opening day drubbing. Continue Reading
*Note: The only reason I’m posting this is because it increases my chances of this letter actually getting to the team. If you read this and are sympathetic to my cause please send it to ESPN, NFL Network, and any other media outlet that could help my message reach the Dolphins. Thanks in advance. I really need to rid myself of that creeper stasche.
Dear Miami Dolphins,
I have been a Dolphins fan since 1994. How I became a fan is a bit unconventional. After I saw Ace Ventura: Pet Detective I was, from that point forward, a Miami Dolphins fan. But how I became a fan is not the point of this letter. Instead, my reason for writing you is because of a stupid personal bet that I made. Continue Reading
It’s April and the NFL draft is only a few weeks away.The off-season has been interesting so far, and not without its usual drama.The vehicular manslaughter involving a drunk Dante Stallworth, the tantruming in Denver, the Cowboys releasing TO, among other incidents and transactions. For now, we’ll focus on 3 stories that can have a major impact on the league and the teams they relate to. Continue Reading
The recent incident involving NFL running back Ryan Moats is probably not the way Moats wanted to become popular. But as most athletes say, “It is what it is.” And what it is, is a reminder that not all cops are out to protect and serve. Some just happen to be bullies, dicks, lowlives, and power tripping thugs that shouldn’t be allowed near a gun, let alone be allowed to carry one. Robert Powell is all of that and more. He’s also a liar as seen by his apology, which was issued through his attorney: Continue Reading
When Santonio Holmes made that beautiful toe-dragging touchdown catch behind triple coverage with 35 seconds left in Super Bowl XLIII, I immediately felt ill.Sure, all the dip, beer, and chili could’ve factored into it, but I’m pretty confident that it was due to something else far more troubling.I knew, at that moment, that Hell was not going to freeze over.The Cardinals overcame the absentmindedness that plagued them throughout the game, taking the lead with a little more than two minutes left.This Obama’d myself and fellow viewers, giving us hope that the Cardinals would win and Hell would freeze over.
The major downside to Hell not freezing is that Cheney will continue to terrorize Earth for the foreseeable future from his new Virginia home that not even Google Earth can see.The plus side is that all the nefarious folks looking at a Cardinals’ championship as a means to fulfilling their sickest fantasies will still have to fear the prospect of going to Hell.Granted, since Cheney is Satan, and Satan is the source of all evil, Hell freezing means evil dies with Cheney; and since the Cardinals proved themselves a worthy team, they no longer have the ability to freeze Hell with a championship. Continue Reading
When most Americans are subject to an average of 3000 brushes with advertising per day it’s no wonder companies are trying alternative and ethically questionable marketing strategies. In what is one ballsy and sneaky move, Captain Morgan attempted to launch a guerrilla marketing campaign in football stadiums across the country. As seen to the left, players were quietly approached and asked to do the trademark Captain Morgan pose in exchange for a donation of $10,000 to the Gridiron Greats Assistance Fund–an organization that caters to the various needs of retired football players. And when you consider that the average life span of NFL players is 55, it comes as a surprise that the NFL would squash the marketing campaign shortly after Brent Celek (a Philadelphia Eagles’ tight end) raised his knee in front of the Sunday Night Football cameras.
