Bateman today

Report by Thaddeus Stanley, Army of Epiphenomenon

Young Bateman

Since first turning heads as little James Cooper Ingalls alongside Michael Landon on Little House on the Prairie, critics have considered Jason Bateman one of the finest actors of our, or any, generation. With a resume that includes Silver Spoons, The Hogan Family, Chicago Sons, and Arrested Development, Bateman has solidified his place in the hearts of television viewing Americans. Add to that, silver screen turns in such hits as Teen Wolf Too, The Kingdom, and The Ex, there is no doubt that Bateman is one of the finest actors to ever practice the art. But is he the best of all who have shadowed the stage and screen? What follows is a list of reasons that prove Jason Bateman is, in fact, the greatest actor the World has ever known.

Reason #1: Bateman survives being a child actor

Dana Plato, Tracy Gold, Emmanuel Lewis, Leonardo DiCaprio, Ricky Schroder, Natalie the heavy-set girl from The Facts of Life, and countless other child stars have fallen from the spotlight due to lack of talent or substance abuse. Though beginning his career when he was only 11, Jason Bateman withstood the test of time, carried on the back of raw talent and rugged good looks. Says former child actor Gary Coleman, “If I could kill [Jason] Bateman, and extract even half the talent that he carries in one of his little toes, I could rule Hollywood as a living thespian-god.”

Reason #2: Other actors want to be him.

While most stars have fans that emulate them, and imitation is supposed to be the most sincere form of flattery, the extent to which some actors have gone to mimic Jason Bateman is beyond psychotic. Take for instance, Michael J. Fox who reportedly had plastic surgery to look more like Bateman, and even took an acting job as the brother of Jason Bateman’s real life sister to understand his idol more completely. The cut-rate Bateman knock-off Fox, referring to Teen Wolf, stated, “Being asked by the producers to step in when Jason [Bateman] was unavailable was the highlight of my career. It was like for a couple months, I got to be Jason … it was a surreal experience.”

Reason #3: His sister is/was hot

Justine Bateman, pictured here with the talentless Jason Bateman wannabe hack that portrayed her brother on the sitcom Family Ties, is super hot … or at least she was. Bateman’s sister reappeared briefly a decade or so ago in a sitcom with SNL’s Rob Schneider and still displayed the hotness she commanded during her Family Ties days, but has virtually disappeared since, so it is hard to know if she’s still hot.

Reason #4: Range

Jason Bateman has portrayed an orphan, a bully, an older brother, a younger brother, a werewolf, a father, a son, and even, in a coup-de-force of theatrical depth, a man pretending to be a paraplegic. What’s more, when Bateman plays a son, the audience believes he’s a son, when he plays a brother, it’s as if he has been a brother all his life. Famed director Martin Scorsese said this about Jason Bateman, “I have never had an opportunity to work with Jason Bateman.”

Reason #5: Bateman’s work takes center-stage instead of personal life

The Brad Pitt’s and Julia Roberts’ of Hollywood are forced to supplement their acting with juicy insights into their sordid world of substance abuse and debauchery, to keep audiences interested. Conversely, Bateman’s filmography is more than enough to satisfy the lusts of Hollywood consumers and keep them coming back for more. Jason doesn’t have to go public with “sex addiction” like Duchovny, or have sex with women, like Linsey Lohan, or get caught with a hooker like Hugh Grant, or make a sex tape like virtually every other washed up pop icon; with Bateman, it isn’t about off-screen sex, its about on-screen magic. The producer of Arrested Development once said of Bateman, “Jason doesn’t need a penis, because he makes love with the camera.”

To learn more about the actor-god Jason Bateman, see any one of a thousand fan sites dedicated to the greatest actor of all time, such as: http://www.jason-bateman.net