I’ve been doing some thinking lately–not because it’s trendy, either–and I’ve realized that my recent portrayal of Dick Cheney as Satan may have been an incorrect assessment of the man.  Think about it.  Dick Cheney has faced death on multiple occasions; each time he has escaped, recovering in his secret lair 1,000 feet underground.  Not since Andrew Jackson has there been an American leader so absolutely monkey-fucking[1] insane that he’s willing to pull his dick out and wave it at Death so flagrantly. Continue Reading

Michael Phelps and His Bong

Let’s begin with the story that rocked the internet and gave hope to potheads’ nationwide.  In a twisted turn in the Michael Phelps Bong Smoking fiasco, Richland County sheriff, Leon Lott Jr., said he plans on investigating the photo in the hopes that he can file charges against the half-man half-dolphin. Continue Reading

When Santonio Holmes made that beautiful toe-dragging touchdown catch behind triple coverage with 35 seconds left in Super Bowl XLIII, I immediately felt ill. Sure, all the dip, beer, and chili could’ve factored into it, but I’m pretty confident that it was due to something else far more troubling. I knew, at that moment, that Hell was not going to freeze over. The Cardinals overcame the absentmindedness that plagued them throughout the game, taking the lead with a little more than two minutes left. This Obama’d myself and fellow viewers, giving us hope that the Cardinals would win and Hell would freeze over.

The major downside to Hell not freezing is that Cheney will continue to terrorize Earth for the foreseeable future from his new Virginia home that not even Google Earth can see. The plus side is that all the nefarious folks looking at a Cardinals’ championship as a means to fulfilling their sickest fantasies will still have to fear the prospect of going to Hell. Granted, since Cheney is Satan, and Satan is the source of all evil, Hell freezing means evil dies with Cheney; and since the Cardinals proved themselves a worthy team, they no longer have the ability to freeze Hell with a championship. Continue Reading

The real evil in the Bush administration was Dick Cheney, a man who was hired by George Sr. to help Jr. pick a vice president, but instead decided to hire himself. Cheney is a man so evil that he has stock in private prison companies. He is a man that when asked about his financial interest in Halliburton, denied profiting from the company, saying, “I severed my ties with Halliburton when I became a candidate for Vice President in August of 2000.” Interesting, considering Cheney was given a $20 million retirement package by Halliburton while maintaining 433,000 stock options that undoubtedly have made Cheney millions off of a company he once sat on the board for, and whose subsidiary, KBR, has received the most tax payer money in the form of government contracts. Even the contracts have drawn plenty of speculation in regards to the way in which they were awarded. Many feel Cheney’s ties led him outside the bidding process in giving the company contracts, making them illegal.

In 2004, when Senator Patrick Leahy asked Cheney about his ties to Halliburton at a Senate meeting, Cheney responded with a short and clear, “Fuck yourself.” Continue Reading