I feel like I got cheated on. As though my girlfriend of 15 years went out one night, got smashed, and found herself the center of a bukkake party that was aired on prime-time television. Miami, what in Shula’s name was that? You did nearly everything right and you still managed to lose. Not only does this increase the chance of me having this hideous rat stache after February, but I also lost $20 to my roommate. Sure, maybe I shouldn’t be making the bet, but foolish optimism tends to override reason and sound judgment.
No matter how long you keep Peyton Manning on the bench, the man only needs a handful of plays to produce a victorious money shot that leaves the victim in a sticky mess. And sticky messes are apparently not Chad Pennington’s bag. No change of scenery will fix that. He was the master of the let down in New York and it seems he’s back to his old ways of building fans up only to buckle their knees and drop them to the ground. Be assured that Miami will rebound, and at the end of the season their playoff dreams will be entirely in Chad Pennington’s hands. This is what Pennington does, but only time will tell if he will break hearts once again.
That said, Monday night’s debacle wasn’t entirely Pennington’s fault. The defense, primarily the secondary, gave up big play after big play at the worst possible moments. Despite the defensive struggles for most of the game, it was the failure of Miami’s offense in the final minutes to do what they did all game, which was move the ball down field and score.
The final drive was some of the most Busch-league, dick twiddling nonsense I have ever seen. Pennington had this dumb look on his face from the getgo that clearly read, “Really? Is this happening again? God, I hate when this happens. Oh, well, here I go.” And that thought consumed the focus he needed to pull off a comeback performance. The amount of lethargy by the Dolphins during that final drive was something you’d expect from an obese toddler on a summer day, but not a professional sports team. When Chad Pennington was stripped of the football, his reaction was doltish at best—think Lennie from Of Mice And Men. “Durrr, where did it go, George?”
Ronnie Brown, however, is the man. He plays hard, never stops churning his thunderous legs, and no matter how bad the rest of his team might be playing, Ronnie keeps trucking. But if Miami hopes to be a contender they can’t rely solely on the drive of Ronnie Brown. And with that, I’m done talking about this second consecutive disappointment. Miami, you need to get your shit together. If you lose 5 in a row, I’m shaving the stache. I’ve been committed to this mess since January, and have had to wear this awful, awful thing for far too long. Frankly, if you can’t get a victory in your first 5 games then there is very little hope that you’ll even be able to create the illusion of post-season success.
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