Recently a very public breakup played out on computers screens from coast to coast.  Both parties issued public statements to announce the break-up, and everyone quickly rushed to take sides.  One person’s supporters were quick to back them for making the tough decision to end a dead-end relationship, while another group rushed to reassure the broken hearted that they are better off.

This is not the tale of celebrity love crash landing.  This all-too-familiar story unfolds everyday around the world on Facebook.  The old days of a break up just being about two people choosing to end a relationship are long gone.  Breakups now require a top of the line campaign manager to make sure neither of the divided duo appear to be the bad guy. The parting pair must go on a whistle stop campaign tour and present to their constituents their five-point breakup platform.  The dump-ER does not want to come across as cold and callus, while the dumpie does not want to appear to be a sniffling baby. They will, over several weeks, attempt to be the sympathetic character.  One side, exasperated with the path of a doomed relationship was forced to make the difficult decision while the other side was blindsided by the swift removal of their love filled heart.

The difficulties of the public breakup are set in place way before the relation-SHIP turns into a relation-SHIT. Now, standard marching orders for a relationship include public announcements of each other love for all to see. What was once graffiti across the overpass has been replaced by cutesy status updates.

1 more hour of work, then a tickle fight with my snuggle bunny

Combine that with the obligatory face pressed together status photo, and every part of their lives are so intertwined no one can tell the difference between their two Facebook pages.

Then, as it all starts to unravel, a delicate dance of unwritten rules and social morays begin to unfold. The first cannon shot taken by either side is the changing of the relationship status.  Some choose to keep it private and let the news spread organically, while others choose to post it to the world as public announcement of new found freedom.  Once the status changes hits the news feed, it opens up the floodgates of wall messages begging for answers, explanations, or anything to extinguish everyone’s unquenchable thirst for other people’s drama.  Usually within a few hours both parties have posted their first cryptic status update suggesting that this is playing out as they hoped, but soon reality sets in.

The last person either person wants to see after a break-up is still front and center in their world. Both are still Facebook friends with fifty or so of the same people.  Every move they make is being summarized and posted for the other’s own torture, and they spend half the day trying to decode the hidden messages.

Cooking Dinner with Mom? Oh so now they have time cook.

Who the hell is Morgan and why do they like their status update about Mad Men.

The next victim in this battle is the mutual friendships.  If a mutual friend comments on an ex’s wall–well, they might as well have just poked them in the eye. Remember when the only rule was do not sleep with the ex? Now it is grounds for a fight if someone RSVP’s to their BBQ.

Eventually the drama will begin to plateau, but soon the first online flirtations with another person appear in the news feed.  The final crushing blow comes when one of them starts dating someone new.  Now it is someone else jumping with them in the profile picture and there is the countdown to a Cancun vacation they are not going on.  Finding out through the grapevine that an ex is dating someone new is bad enough, but watching the relationship blossom will pulverize the soul.

The extreme move is to eliminate this torture and un-friend them, but that is the ultimate sign of surrender in the Facebook Breakup War.  Most fall into the trap of becoming more obsessed with their ex’s lives than they ever did when they were together.  With all of this break-up B.S. now a reality, let’s remember back to a time when the worst part about a break up was getting your CD’s out of their car.

As with all break-ups, eventually both parties will move on from their failed relationship, but now it will take exponentially longer.  Avoiding your ex at the local diner is easy compared to the damn near impossible task of avoiding them online.  However, it seems that the Facebook break up will simply become the norm.  Remember how we once gasped that someone got dumped over voicemail?  Soon the time will come when relationships comes to an end on a wall post.  I doubt anyone will become a fan of that.