On July 22, 2009, Mark Buehrle, a pitcher for the Chicago White Sox, pitched the 16th perfect game in baseball history’s modern era.  On that afternoon a small horde made up of 6 men and 1 woman gathered around my desk to listen to the final out on the radio broadcast. As the last out was put in the books, the men broke into a string of awkward man fives, while a confused female stared on with disbelief.

“What’s the big deal?” she asked.

6 adult men turned to her with childish faces that read of shock, condescension, and (due to her attractiveness) forgiveness for her naïveté.  While trying to explain to her the social significance of grown men being paid to play a boys’ game, it dawned on me that this was going to be a difficult task. The only way for her to grasp what had just happened was for us to present to her a sports equivalent.  For her, and for anyone else who does not follow sports, finding the sports equivalent is the key to this and many social interactions.

In fact, finding sports equivalents for a non-sports fan is a daily occurrence for me. Trying to explain to my wife why hurling the remote is a justifiable reaction to David Wright’s popping out with a man on third and less than two outs is damn hard.  For God’s sake, David, take a pitch!  While taping the battery cover back on the remote I do my best to give her a “Her World” example. This usually ends up with me saying, “You just don’t get it!”

So here is my idea.  I need to create a reference guide for non-sporties called:

Sports Equivalents: A Reference for Why Your Loved One is a Screaming Lunatic.

Picture it. You are somewhere in your house and your partner begins an obscenity laden tirade about the Devils’ inability to kill the power play.  You log on to SportsEquivalent.com, click on Hockey, search crappy penalty killing and BAM here is your example:

You have decided to go out with friends one weeknight, and all your partner has to do is empty the dishwasher. Yet, when you get home not only are the clean dishes still in the machine, but now there is a new pile of buffalo wing sauce covered dishes in the sink.  While yes, you’re worse half was under crappy circumstances (you going out while they are left to do a chore) the bare minimum would have sufficed. All they had to do was keep the situation from getting worse and everything is peachy, but this clown shoe found a way to make it worse.

That my friends is a sports equivalent to not emptying the dishwasher. See it is that simple. So simple, here is another one.

After 4 straight 2 out hits, your friend demands that you remain in the bathroom until the inning is over.  Any shift in movement will disrupt the cosmos and end this 2 out rally. You standing in the bathroom is a lucky spot.  Wanting to make sure that your friend is not out of his G.D. mind, you take out your phone, go to the new Sports Equivalent App you just downloaded, click baseball, search lucky spot, and read the following.

The last time you went out to a bar, you got ready at your friend’s house. The past few bar nights were a failure. A little too much to drink, music sucked, and you went home alone. This night, however, is different.  You hit that perfect level of drunk, where you love everyone and everyone loves you.  The DJ is playing hit after hit, and at the end of the night you end up at the apartment of someone who is way too attractive and way too flexible to be bumpin’ uglies with you.  The following week when discussing where to get ready for another night of debauchery, you demand to get ready at your friend’s house again.  Deep down you know getting ready there had nothing to do with you getting some, but you choose not to poke the Booty Gods and pack a bag.

The sports equivalent even works the other way.  Your roommate comes home to find you sobbing on the couch. Thinking that your recently sick aunt must have succumbed to Cancer, they quickly run to your side and ask what’s the matter.  You wipe the snot from your face and attempt to tell the story.   They look on with disbelief as you try to explain that on Grey’s Anatomy the mysterious John Doe burn victim is in fact George. Even before you try to explain how Grey realized it was George, (*sniffle* he wrote 007 on Meredith’s hand *snort*) your roomie has stormed off pissed that they actually cared.  Moments later, after hitting up the reverse look-up function on SportsEquivalents.com, you clean yourself up, walk into their room and say:

You remember when Plaxico Burress shot himself in the leg?  Remember how sad you were that your best receiver was going to be out for a while?  Then you realized Eli’s go-to receiver was no longer 6′5″, thus exposing the fact that Eli has the tendency to throw the ball off his back foot, causing it to sail 2 feet above the outreached arms of 5′11″ Steve Smith.  So you went from being a little sad about one thing, then the real tragedy exposed itself, sending you into a pit of despair.

BAM!!! The sports equivalent is a powerful tool.  One that can help reduce the amount of conflict and drama in our daily interactions.  Rather than rolling our eyes at each other, new levels of understanding will be reached; and a little understanding goes a long way–kind of like a sacrifice fly.

Got your own sports equivalents?  Post ‘em in the comment section below.