Recently, a special youngster named Mike Cannon performed at my friend’s Graduation From College party. I’ve known Mike through my collegiate years, and honestly never thought he would amount to much of anything, because who should ever get paid to make penis jokes? As he got sloppier through the evening, he offended most of the parents at the party. When the time came for his set, Mike could barely string a sentence together. And he was right on his game. Mike answered a few questions for us about himself and his comedy career, and his penchant for referencing his awkward attraction to his own penis.
How did you develop such a great sense of humility?
Well it’s tough to be cocky when you’ve been forcefully sodomized as many times as me. And by forcefully, I do mean consensually. By nature I’m a complete oxymoron. I’m a confident douchebag who has some crippling insecurities. I think the ability to see how much of a joke I am makes the fact that I think I’m the shit that much funnier. Jokes tend to go over better with an audience when you’re the idiot. Nobody really likes getting called out and ridiculed about something that’s truly horrific in their own personal lives. They want to hear how I have trouble sustaining a chubby or how many manatees I’ve taken home in my life. And lucky for them, I’ve had ample life experiences to really convey that message.
Most of your jokes come from a very personal place…
Well, I clearly think I’m the most important person/topic in the world so what the fuck else am I going to write about? It’s another example of how I can have these thoughts that stem from anxiety/uncertainty, yet I’m still self righteous enough to think people need to hear what I’m saying. When you strip it down, it takes a pretty big D-bag to stand on a raised platform with a device that amplifies his voice so people who have paid a cover and two drink minimum can hear his “brilliant” ideas. For some reason, I just don’t identify with topical or overtly political humor. I still find it funny, but for some reason when I’m writing my brain just doesn’t go there. Most of my favorite comedians take their humor from personal experiences or insecure thoughts and pain. Sam Kinison and Richard Pryor are two comedians who took the most intense heartbreak, addiction or general manic emotions and turned them on their ass and made it funny. That to me is incredible. It’s funny how even now, answering this question with two sentences that have a serious tone can make me feel like an over indulgent needle dick.
Did you always know you wanted to entertain people?
I get asked that question a lot, and the answer is definitely/maybe. Wow, did I just get the sweetest mental image of Ryan Reynolds’ pulsating abs. I can just picture him now, sweating after a hot work out at the gym. He comes in the door, “Honey, I’m home.” I come sauntering in from the kitchen holding a tray with oven mits and just a tube sock over my weenie. There’s a picture of Scarlett Johansson sitting on a fist over the mantel. Dinner consists of oysters, red wine, and dark chocolate. Barry White is softly playing in the background. Ryan starts to go down on….wait what was the question again?
What helps you come up with jokes? What is your process like?
I just blow some lines of creativity and let the juices flow. Nah, usually the only thing that gets me motivated to write is popping in Requiem for a Dream. It gets me sexually and intellectually stimulated, which is the state I need to be in to work my best. I’m actually fortunate enough to have a group of really funny friends that live with the same reckless abandon that I do. It’s easy to come up with material when your friends refuse to wear condoms. There’s a plethora of mischief one could get into with that type of behavior. In terms of my process, I generally text myself premises, punch lines, tags–whatever–throughout the day or write them in a notebook I carry around. I’m also very lucky that I get a chance to perform every night, because without the constant repetition, these thoughts would drop out of my head faster than a premie out of Octomom. HELL YEAH, I went topical!
How many times did you shit your pants before you walked on stage the first time?
I actually wrote for an entire year before I got on stage. I completely fabricated an internal excuse that you had to be 21 to perform comedy, just to delay the inevitable. The first time was pretty horrifying. The stage and the front door were very close to each other and I was literally 50/50 on which one I was going to. While onstage, I experienced the normal nerves. At first I was shaking like Muhammed Ali on meth, but once I got my first laugh I settled in. I’ve always loved comedy, but I fell in love after that. From that night on I’ve been so obsessed with stand up that if it was a girl, her head would be mounted on the wall above my shitter by now.
Most of the people at your shows are offended by at least 8 things you say. Do you ever get into any fights afterwards?
It’s really funny because I either receive a ton of love or such intense hatred that no one will even speak to me after the show. I’ve had a few hecklers while on stage, but it was from people who think they’re “helping” the show with their comments. You can’t really hate those people, because it’s not their fault they were born with an extra number 21 chromosome. There’s very few physical altercations at comedy shows, because comedians aren’t tough by nature. If I could kick everyone’s ass, I wouldn’t have to be witty enough to tear into a person with words. Just in case there is cause for fisticuffs, I’ve had my dick head galvanized so I can club people to death like an Ankylosaurus.
How many drinks do you have on a regular night? How much blow do you inhale? Weed?
Well first I’d like to say, “Hi, Mom, if you’re reading! I hope you’re proud of your baby boy.” There’s a solid chance that my mother has cursed the fact that the morning after pill wasn’t invented in 1985. I actually haven’t drank before a show in about a year for a very specific reason. I was doing a bringer show (where you have to guarantee a certain number of audience members to receive 10 minutes on stage) and not all of my people showed up. I was really pissed off, so I decided 3 Long Island Iced Teas and 5 beers would douse my anger. To my surprise they actually put me on stage anyway, and I started stumbling through my act. Much to my chagrin the crowd consisted of all old people and tourists who didn’t speak a lick of English. Two minutes into my act an older woman, probably about 65 years-old or so, starts talking audibly to her friend in the front row. Me being drunk, and looking for a friend I slur out “Oohh conversthhation? Having a converstthation? I want in on your conversthation!” The woman looked at me horrified and said, “Stop it, you’re making me uncomfortable.” I replied immediately, “Uncomfortable?!? You want me to make you uncomfortable?? How about I fuck you in the ASS?!?” – Which I thought was a great joke. Turns out no one else did, because as I was saying “ass” the MC was grabbing the mic out of my hand saying “aaaalright, give it up for Mike Cannon.” I growled a few times and almost face planted into the front row, as no one gave it up for Mike Cannon.
What advice might you offer to the youngsters who want to make people giggle?
Don’t be funnier than me you fuckin’ pricks.
You can catch Mike Cannon (and his syphilis) nightly at the Broadway Comedy Club and every Tuesday at the Eastville Comedy Club, as well as at colleges and clubs across the country. To find out specifics and to read Mike’s blog, check out his website www.mikecannonmtff.com or you can follow him on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/cannoncomedy or friend him on the Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=16504544&ref=profile
And hey, instead of masturbating you could check out some of his standup on Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/user/dongcomic2